Saturday, August 25, 2007
*sweep away cobwebs*
it’s been a long time since I pen down my thoughts here..
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today is the second "moody"day
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Thursday
All this while, I’ve been trying to start studying for EOY. The number of weeks left to do so does not make up the numbers of subjects I have to study. I have proclaimed my commitment to do so the previous week but have not even finish doing a set of past-year questions for the first chapter on “surds and indices”. I’ve been either trying to finish my homework or just slacking or sleeping away. I prayed for self-discipline but things do not work out right. when I finally get to sit down and start studying (trying to), I felt a sense of urgency, alongside with a sense of guilt, for not starting earlier and a sense of helplessness as I face the mountain of notes I have to study. Today after school in the canteen, I accepted lemuel’s invitation to do a bit of studying with him. I was actually planning to go somewhere (maybe home or anywhere else). When I picked up my “electromagnetism” notes, I felt so stupid and helpless as I can’t comprehend it totally. Well, in the first place, I dun like physics. A piece of assignment is attached at the back of the handout to be done over this weekend. How am I going to complete this? Ok, maybe I should move on to the next stuff on my waiting list—math geometry 1 task. I dun like math too, when I can’t do it well. I feel like a math and physic idiot ever since I entered IP, even more strongly this year. The same sense of helplessness overcomes me almost every math lesson. I just can’t bring myself to be enthu about the practice questions given in class. Ok, perhaps the only good thing I can mention here is that by God’s grace, I manage to pass the overall grades for these two subjects.
I was tired and drowsy and moody at that moment. I can’t even find the pair of similar triangles. While lem is busy studying his LA, I fell asleep on the table. After I woke up about an hour later, after struggling for a few more min, I finally manage to find them. Thanks, after an hour plus and lem told me that’s sec2 work. Ok, I finally gave this piece of task up. Guess I will consult the math-pro sitting beside me the next day. After lem left to join his family, I started to finish up on my revision exercise for “surds and indices”… yay, finally, a topic done. It was about 8pm then. Time to go home.
Friday
Come to school with “Boulevard of broken dreams” and ”keep holding on” ringing in my head. All these while, as I walk alone, I have been thinking, will there be a person who will keep holding onto me?
Walking alone. Talking about projects…walking alone. For my RM, I arranged meeting and I have to actually chase after my groupmates to turn up for meeting whenever it’s time. Meeting never starts on time. For SIP, on an unforgettable Thursday last week, I arranged for a meeting to be held after electives. To my surprise, after my electives which even ended fifteen min late, I went up to my classroom to find the classroom empty. I called my groupmates to discover that they have gone out with the guys because all of them have no elective on that day.
“Ok…sorry…do you want us to come back now?...ok…we come back now,” my groupmate replied on the phone.
Huh? What you mean by “you want us to come back now?” it sound like as if they are doing the project for my sake. I looked at the clock, by the time they come back, I will only have 30 min with them .
“err...i think no point lah.. I gotta leave for a cca meeting by the time you guys come back here…byebye..”
We’ve tried to do some last min work for the previous module and were forced to jump ship to the last module which will be due later, so that we will have more time to do this project. It’s a 3-man group, a group with max people the teacher can allow, hence higher expectations. Yet all this while, our meetings have been super-unproductive. I feel so tired. I felt like I am solo-ing, trying to bring the group together to do something proper even though it’s a 3-man group. An apology at the moment cannot solve the problem. If you guys really care about this project, pls show it. And stop playing soccermanager.com during meetings.
Walking alone, running alone…today after school, everyone is busy doing their own stuff…projects and tasks to be completed before they leave school. I waited for them to see if there is any chance they can join me for lunch (a late one). My stomach was aching with hunger.
M friend said to the other friend, “hey later can stay with me in school till I finish up the SS task I owed ms ngerng?”
At some point of time, when you are really down and need some friends to just be by ur side, you gotta really see if they have the time and energy for you. They’re no to be blamed. Everyone have matters to attend to too…
I left the classroom on my own and decided to eat from the same usual stall in the school canteen. Thank God the auntie is kind to me. My stomach felt better as I take every bite of the meal. Eating alone in the canteen seriously doesn’t feel good…
Thank God my lunch wasn’t totally a lonely one. Clara, my senior, came and hit my head with “Destination Imagination” papers. She started to rant in front of me. She was feeling tired after the whole DI launch ceremony presentation.
“aiyo why so sad eating alone. Listen to me leh…”
haha…she’s a nice senior to have. I was distracted from feeling lonely to listen to her ranting.
She left soon to settle her DI stuff and I continue eating alone. I walked out of school alone, singing these words which just popped into my mind
“I am going to be strong, going, to be, to be, str-ong…”
Feel like spending time by myself alone outside rather than going home. Maybe the door is locked if I go home too early because my mother is going to have a long shower. If 36 comes, I will go to the airport, sitting alone in the viewing hall or in BK or Mac. If 31 comes, I will just go to my usual hideout--tampines McCafe and perhaps do some homework.
31 came after three 196 zoom past the stop.
I finished my Chinese homework in McCafe, with my usual medium coke on the table. As soon as I have finished my zhuoye, the restaurant manager came to me and tell me this,
“the dinner rush is coming soon. Will you enjoy ur food first, then study later at night?”
I replied,” I will be leaving soon.”
This is the first time this happened…this particular McCafe is one of my favourite hang-outs. I’ve spent time here with special people of my life, my spiritual mother, spiritual brother, and my good friends. I felt like I was chased out. I stayed for a little longer reading a Chinese magazine given in class today while trying to finish the remaining coke. Just then, she sticked a “no studying sign” to the table beside mine. Ok she is just doing her job. But I felt like a cast-out. This is like my third home to me.
A super-long post that really requires a bit of patience. Thanks for reading, this far.
Jonathan posted at 12:49 AM***
